Josiah Cohen

This post will probably only be funny to readers of the Harry Potter series and/or followers of professional sports media. If you’re neither of those, go read the books/waste millions of brain cells consuming sports debate shows, and then come back.

Was Harry Potter an ELITE Quidditch player? Does he belong in the Quidditch Hall of Fame? The case is cloudy: while the legendary Gryffindor seeker was named in Modern Magical History and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century, it’s unclear if he ever made it into editions of Quidditch Through the Ages published after the events of The Deathly Hallows. So it remains to the best pundits of the wizarding world to decide: Harry Potter, hallowed or horrible? 

Read the edited version of the debate below, or listen to the full episode on the The Daily Prophet Quidditch Show wherever you get your Pottercasts. 

Scott Hagridson, host of The Daily Prophet Quidditch Show and National Quidditch League’s QuaffleZone channel: Welcome back to another edition of The Daily Prophet Quidditch Show. Let’s get right into the debate: Harry Potter—was he really the chosen one on the pitch? Forty-eight minutes of commercial-free Quidditch talk starts now. 

Kendrick Jorkins, Daily Prophet: Harry Potter was obviously an elite Quidditch player. Look at his legacy. Youngest seeker in a century, and you think McGonagall was breaking rules for just any player? Hell no. He caught the snitch in his damn mouth in his first career start. Won the Quidditch Cup as just a third-year, man. A stupefying talent. He outflew Viktor Krum in the Triwizard Tournament. This boy was destined for greatness from the start, and he lived up to it on the quidditch pitch. 

Stephen A. Smith, ex-Slytherin chaser: No, no, no! Harry Potter should not even be allowed to fly within a hundred yards of the Quidditch Hall of Fame. His very first move as captain was to sign his friend Ron Weasley—WHO WAS ON FELIX FELICIS—instead of Cormac McLaggen, CLEARLY a better keeper. What kind of leadership is that? It is simply BLASPHEMOUS to compare Harry Potter to Viktor Krum, the greatest seeker of his generation. While Potter was watching from the stands, Krum—just a FEW YEARS older—was playing at an elite level against the best international side in a while! That’s a baaaaad man right there.

Mina Kimes, host of the Mina Kimes Show Featuring Fluffy: But Stephen A., if you look at the numbers behind Harry’s career, a lot of it suggests he was flying at a pretty high level. He caught the snitch every game he played as a rookie and he caught the snitch at an 80 percent rate for his whole career. As far as the advanced analytics goes, he had a Snitch Nabs Above Previous Expectation (SNAPE) of plus 12 percent. He also was a key contributor on two Cup-winning teams in just five years of eligibility, and there would have been more without off-the-pitch incidents.

Colin Cowizard: But that’s what I’m talking about! This kid had absolutely no durability. First year, they lose the cup because he’s injured and can’t play. Year two, if he catches whoever opened the Chamber of Secrets earlier, they probably win the cup, but he didn’t. Year three, they win, but they needed help, because Cedric beat him to the snitch in the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff match. Year five, he gets suspended for the season after one match! Year six, he doesn’t even play in the final and only plays one whole game all year! Then he leaves school for his seventh year and loses his broomstick before he even gets to The Burrow. Where’s the love of the game?

Zacharias Lowe: Are we really blaming Harry for not catching Tom Riddle—Tom Riddle!—sooner? That’s wild to me. He was the youngest seeker in a century! He was the reason Gryffindor turned their whole team around. Nobody was flying like him. He won a game with a rogue bludger focused only on him! Quirrell tried to kill him during a match when he was a rookie! That match he lost in year three, there were dementors on the pitch! So he learned the Patronus Charm, real player development, to counteract that. We have to stop focusing on the cups and thinking that legacy is determined purely by house league Quidditch Cups. When he played, he was doing things nobody else was doing on a broomstick. 

Bill Simmons, The Quibbler: He was no Larry Owl, though. That match he won in year 6, he only got the snitch because Harper fumbled the catch. He needed a top-of-the-line broom to compete every year, and you have to wonder if there were any PEDs, Potions Enhancing Development, at play. And look at the competition he was playing with: we only ever hear of his teammate Oliver Wood making the pro league, and that was only the Puddlemere United reserve squad! Harry was a total Gorgovitch.* The level of competition was so much lower than it was in the 80s with the great Johnson the Magician-Larry Owl rivalry series between Gryffindor and Slytherin. 

Magika Andrews: Ok, but let’s not pretend like Harry wasn’t elite off the pitch too, and that counts. You have to take it all into account, and he’s the hero who defeated the Dark Lord! He put the whole wizarding world on his back AND he won 80% of his career games. That’s way more than Charlie Weasley ever won, and he could’ve played for England if he didn’t go chasing dragons in Romania. Harry would’ve played for England if he wanted—they got flattened by Transylvania the World Cup before Harry was eligible, they needed all the talent they could get.

Scott Hagridson: I’m afraid that’s all we have time for. Thanks to all of our panelists for joining us! Tune in next week, we’ll discuss whether or not DEI initiatives—Death Eater Inclusivity—were to blame for Voldemort being vanquished once and for all. 

*Dragomir Gorgovitch, a Chaser for the Chudley Cannons, set a league record for drops in a season.