Josiah Cohen

The following satire explores what might have happened had Jared Allen played football at culinary academy, which he professed on occasion as his alma mater in player introductions through the years. The good folks at the NFL would much rather you watch on YouTube, so click over to watch.

Culinary Academy’s Jared Allen Scoops Ice Cream, Most Outstanding Player Award

The Peaches And Cream-12 (PAC-12) conference today named Idaho State Culinary Academy (ISCA) defensive end Jared Allen the league’s Most Outstanding Player, to the surprise of absolutely no one. 

ISCA swept through its non-conference and PAC-12 schedule, finishing 12-0 and skewering the Northwestern Michigan Ronco Grillers (“Ronco Country, Let’s Fry”) in the Less Famous Yukon Potato Bowl. Allen, a first-year culinary student out of Joshua Burns Preschool, averaged 6.5 sacks and three hot dogs per game.

“Allen was hotter than a McDonald’s coffee,” said “Chocolate” Chip Kellen, head coach of University of Cooking, Los Angeles. “He chewed us all up and spit us out like sunflower seeds in a little league dugout. Kid’s tougher to handle than a fudgesicle on a scorching summer day.”

The beefy 6’6 freshman started off the season with a delectable hors d’oeuvres of what was to come. In ICSA’s first game of the season, against the University of North Texas Mean Green Beans, Allen whipped up three sacks and sprinkled in two more tackles for loss. His non-conference play continued with two easy-over wins against Colorado Culinary State University and the University of Texas at Eating Pleasurably. 

It was a mere appetizer of things to come for conference play, however, as Allen terrorized the PAC-12 for eight straight games, peppering opponent quarterbacks with 87 hits and often salting away games with game-sealing plays. He forced nine fumbles in conference play alone and added four safeties to the mix. Perhaps most impressively, battered opposing linemen recorded zero pancakes against Allen all season—four fewer than Allen himself, who earned an A- in breakfast platter composition. 

“He feasted on us, simple as that,” said Gumbo Fisher, offensive coordinator of the Oregon Duck Confits, which ICSA topped 34-17 in conference play. “We couldn’t stop him. He cut through our offensive line like a hot steel knife through butter. Salted butter wouldn’t have stopped him, either.”

Teammates were similarly impressed by Allen, who won over fellow players with his play on the field and dessert preparation off it (Allen is set to graduate magna cum lasagne). 

“Allen’s heavier than a seven-layer cake,” wide receiver Courtland Mutton told reporters after a particularly dominant game against coach Jim Harbaughnzo Beans and the ranked Michigan Blue Cheese Dressing. “And he bakes the hell out of a creme brulée.”

Perhaps Allen’s “Friesman Moment” came in the Less Famous Yukon Potato Bowl game against renowned coach Nick Sabananas and the Utah Utensils. With the Culinary Academy clinging to a two-point lead late in the fourth quarter, Allen banana-split a double team and 

“Allen took away our bread and butter,” said Sabananas. “We tried to chip block him, but he just dipped his shoulder and crunched the blocker. He smashed our quarterback like he was a Shake Shack burger. He blew up our tight end on a Leek play and two-gapped—which we call having your cake and eating it too—every run play to perfection.”

Allen is expected to enter the NFL draft after acing the WonderLick test and has been preparing for the combine with Wakanda Tech star tackle Russell Okung, among others. While questions exist about Allen’s level of college competition, such small-school players could be the exact type of player fit for a legendary coach like Bill Belichucksteak. 

“I’m not worried about where I get drafted,” said Allen. “I comfortably expect to make four or five Pro Bowls wherever I go, and Culinary Academy prepared me to make as many Pro Bowls of Ice Cream as I need. Getting drafted high would just be the cherry on top.”